The Secrets We Keep

How Childhood Grooming Creates Lifelong Patterns

Content warning: This post discusses experiences of online grooming and childhood abuse.

There are events in our lives that shape us in ways we can’t fully comprehend until years later. In my psychotherapy practice, I am fortunate to bear witness to the value of transparency and honesty; honesty with others and more importantly, with oneself. Yet, I've had my own complex relationship with secret-keeping, which has taken some considerable work to acknowledge and address.

When I was in my early teens, I experienced online and offline grooming by predatory men. What began as seemingly innocent conversations gradually shifted into manipulative interactions designed to isolate me from support networks and normalise inappropriate relationships. They would say things like "This is just between us," "No one else would understand” or “you’re so mature for your age”.

Photo by Ivan Aleksic on Unsplash

At the time, I couldn't recognise these interactions for what they were. I was a relatively lonely and isolated teenager, in a blended family within which I felt like the odd one out. And like all teenage girls I was searching for acceptance, affection and some evidence that told me I was good enough, interesting enough, attractive enough, etc.

Back then, these predatory relationships made me feel like I mattered to someone. Secrecy was expected, so I complied. At the time, I believed these dangerous men understood me better than my parents and friends. I wasn’t equipped with either the knowledge or maturity to understand just how damaging this would be for me. It's only through years of professional training, personal therapy, and reflexive practice that I've come to understand how those early experiences shaped my relationship with secret-keeping well into adulthood.

The Research on Grooming, Abuse and Secret-Keeping

It was both personal and professional experience that led me to explore the research in this area, and I discovered I was far from alone. The link between childhood experiences of grooming/abuse and compulsive secret-keeping in adulthood is well-documented in psychological literature.

Grooming typically involves a systematic process where predators gradually establish trust and emotional connection with a child, creating a sense of loyalty and dependency (Craven et al., 2006). Central to this process is the enforcement of secrecy. Children are often manipulated into keeping the relationship secret through various tactics:

• Threats and intimidation

• Normalisation of secrecy ("This is what special friends do")

• Creating a false sense of complicity and shame ("You'll be in trouble too")

• Isolating the child from support networks (“You can’t trust other people”)

McElvaney et al. (2014) found that these enforced patterns of secrecy often become internalised, creating deep-rooted beliefs about the necessity of secret-keeping that persist long after the abuse has ended, finding their way into one’s closest relationships in adulthood and impacting on one’s relational world in myriad ways.

Secret-Keeping for Survival

For many survivors, secret-keeping begins as an adaptive survival mechanism. Research by Foynes and Freyd (2011) demonstrates that children who experience abuse often develop what they term ‘betrayal blindness’; the unconscious avoidance of awareness about the betrayal they've experienced, as a means of ensuring their continued survival in unsafe environments.

In my own experience, keeping secrets about the online interactions I was having felt necessary. I feared judgment, punishment, and losing what I then perceived as important relationships. At the time, I had felt they were my only friends – I recognise how pitiable this sounds now. This pattern of secret-keeping for self-protection continued long after those harmful power dynamics ended, manifesting in my adult life in ways I never could have predicted. I am not proud to say that I damaged some of my early-adult friendships and relationships due to this pattern.

A Long Shadow

Research consistently shows that these early experiences cast a long shadow. A comprehensive study by Easton (2013) found that male survivors of childhood sexual abuse waited an average of 21 years before disclosing their experiences, with many developing patterns of secret-keeping that extended far beyond abuse-related information.

Similarly, Foynes et al. (2009) discovered that adults with histories of childhood abuse were significantly more likely to engage in what they termed ‘self-concealment’, the tendency to keep distressing personal information hidden from others, even where disclosing might be beneficial to them.

This research resonates deeply with my own experience. For years, I found myself keeping unnecessary secrets, withholding information even in relatively safe relationships, and experiencing disproportionate anxiety at the thought of vulnerable transparency. I’ve learned that patterns that begin as a specific response to grooming can generalise into compulsive patterns of secret-keeping, even down to the seemingly innocuous; like what one ate for breakfast, or whether one has plans with friends over the weekend.

The isolation that comes with grooming can persist long after the event has ended, making it difficult for individuals to achieve closeness, vulnerability and deep connection in personal relationships. Many describe the feeling of having an entirely separate inner landscape than what their loved ones might see, one that nobody is quite trusted enough to bear witness to.

A Neurobiological Mention

The tendency toward secret-keeping following grooming and abuse also has neurobiological underpinnings. Research by Teicher and Samson (2016) demonstrates that childhood trauma can alter brain development, particularly in the regions associated with trust, fear responses, and social behaviour.

These neurobiological changes can create lasting patterns where secrecy feels like the safest option, and disclosure can lead to intense stress responses. Understanding this biological component may help in extending compassion to oneself for patterns that could initially seem irrational or self-defeating, until one looks a little deeper.

Breaking the Cycle

For those who have experienced grooming and abuse, recognising these patterns is a helpful step towards change. Research by Spiegel et al. (2018) suggests that trauma-informed therapeutic approaches can be particularly effective in helping individuals relearn patterns of appropriate disclosure and develop healthier boundaries around privacy versus secrecy.

Recovery might initially involve learning how to distinguish between privacy and secrecy. A helpful framing could be to establish that privacy is about maintaining appropriate boundaries, where secrecy often carries the weight of shame and fear. You might practice graduated disclosure by beginning with small disclosures in close relationships, to build confidence and trust. Similarly, you might find it useful to begin challenging shame narratives, by recognising that the shame belongs with perpetrators rather than survivors. Developing mindful awareness may also be useful; noticing when you are withholding information and becoming curious about what you might be trying to protect yourself from.

Professional Implications & Concluding Remarks

As mental health practitioners, understanding these dynamics is vital. When working with those who have experienced grooming or abuse, we must be attuned to potential patterns of compulsive secret-keeping and the ways these could manifest in the therapeutic relationship.

Research by Tener and Murphy (2015) suggests that creating safe environments where disclosure is met with acceptance rather than judgment can help a person to develop new patterns of communication and intimacy.

The shift from compulsive secret-keeping to authentic sharing is neither linear nor simple. There will always be aspects of our lives that remain sacred and private. A helpful aim is toward conscious choices about what to share and what to keep to yourself. This conscious awareness can free us from the limits of our automatic responses and learned behaviours.

For those who recognise themselves in this post, I would like to say that these patterns of secret-keeping likely developed as self-protective responses to unsafe circumstances. With awareness, support, and practice, it's possible to develop new patterns that better serve your current life and deepen your relationships.

By sharing my experience and some of the research that has helped me make sense of it, I hope to create a small ripple of understanding that might reach others who still keep secrets that no longer serve them.

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References

Craven, S., Brown, S., & Gilchrist, E. (2006). Sexual grooming of children: Review of literature and theoretical considerations. Journal of Sexual Aggression, 12(3), 287-299.

Easton, S. D. (2013). Disclosure of child sexual abuse among adult male survivors. Clinical Social Work Journal, 41(4), 344-355.

Foynes, M. M., & Freyd, J. J. (2011). The impact of skills training on responses to the disclosure of mistreatment. Psychology of Violence, 1(1), 66-77.

Foynes, M. M., Freyd, J. J., & DePrince, A. P. (2009). Child abuse: Betrayal and disclosure. Child Abuse & Neglect, 33(4), 209-217.

McElvaney, R., Greene, S., & Hogan, D. (2014). To tell or not to tell? Factors influencing young people's informal disclosures of child sexual abuse. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 29(5), 928-947.

Spiegel, D., Lewis-Fernández, R., Lanius, R., Vermetten, E., Simeon, D., & Friedman, M. (2018). Dissociative disorders in DSM-5. Annual Review of Clinical Psychology, 9, 299-326.

Teicher, M. H., & Samson, J. A. (2016). Annual research review: Enduring neurobiological effects of childhood abuse and neglect. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 57(3), 241-266.

Tener, D., & Murphy, S. B. (2015). Adult disclosure of child sexual abuse: A literature review. Trauma, Violence, & Abuse, 16(4), 391-400.